NOTNow that July is here and we’re all flaunting as much skin as possible (because it’s hot enough that hell looks like a skating rink), it’s time to think about my little summer fashion secret: if you can’t hide it, decorate it.
If you can’t hang an ornament on it or pretend it’s an official world record, get it tattooed. (Warning: This is a lifelong decision. Think of all the old people you know who still have Milli Vanilli tattoos from 1990.)
But here’s the important part: you have to choose your tattoo artists carefully. I’ve gone ahead and compiled this list to help you find the perfect tattoo shop.
How to know it’s time to find a better tattoo artist
• The flash tattoos hanging on the wall of the shop look suspiciously like the pages of a SpongeBob SquarePants coloring book.
• He doesn’t believe in coloring in the lines.
• You and she disagree about the appearance of the color blue.
• You ask how he sterilizes machines and he points to some sort of bucket.
• You ask if she can give you a lobster tattoo and she refuses because she is allergic to shellfish.
• His most recent prize: finalist in the spelling bee in 2nd year.
• You ask for a tramp stamp and she asks if you want the 42 cent kind or the new Forever stamp.
• You ask for a PRIDE tattoo but end up with PRUDE on your chest.
• The name of the shop is Tattooz & Shoot.
You may have heard that Turkey (the country) has changed its name. The reason, according to a press release, is that Turkish officials object to Google search results that always display the large bird whenever someone types in the word. Turkey.
I can understand that. When my friend Dick Googles his own name at the library, a stern-looking woman walks up to his computer and whispers under her breath, “That’s not allowed in a public library, sir.”
Turkey’s new name is Türkiye. It is pronounced tur-key-yea. I’m serious.
Here is the other official explanation given by Türkiye officials: “One of the definitions of turkey was something that fails badly, or a stupid or stupid person. Well, in Texas that wouldn’t be a problem since we have other names for these people. Greg Abbott and Ted Cruz immediately come to mind.
Remember when Republican Minority Leader Kevin McCarthy threw himself into a fit of righteousness and said that Donald Trump was personally responsible for the Jan. 6 attack on the Capitol? So Donald Trump called McCarthy a poop face (or something), so now McCarthy has clarified who he thinks was responsible for the trashing of the Capitol: “I think everyone in the country was responsible.”
Oh really? Let me remind Congressvarmint McCarthy that wasn’t me. I wasn’t even there, and the only reason I saw it was because Aunt Erleen called me and yelled, “Honey, go light the teepee.” Republicans get pissed off and wear feathers and fur and shit. And it’s the Men— the same ones who complain about drag queens! The nerve!”
So that’s all I had to do with it, Congressvarmint Kevin. I’m not responsible for any of this sedition stuff, beyond being mortified to death about it all.
Until next month, I’ve found a new trick to surviving this Texas summer heat. You just have to put a straw in your bottle of wine so you can suck it up.
This article appears in the June 2022 issue of OutSmart magazine.